No other word works as well

Sunday January 21, 2007

The other day I was thinking about the different levels of our judicial system.

There is the civil, the criminal and the small claims court….and now

the system has introduced Mediators and Arbitrators in an attempt

to reduce the case loads.

It occurred to me that a new division should be created….a branch devised
for the sole purpose of being able to sue somebody….for being an….asshole.

ANTI-ASSHOLE COURT.

I really believe in my heart that it’s only way to curtail the rapidly increasing
growth of the……asshole population.

Everyday each of us encounters a member of this growing segment. Some days there are numerous sightings; and every once in awhile there are days when it feels like the assholes have completely infiltrated society as we know it….

A chart could be constructed on financial remuneration based on the incident and the time frame involved. Minimum could be $250.00…Maximum could be $1000.00…with possible excessive damages being awarded for repeated offenses…..I mean really, if someone is found guilty of being an asshole more than 5 times, it’s time to take extreme measures. That would include making them attend AA…..

ASSHOLES ANONYMOUS.

"HELLO, MY NAME IS TIM……AND I’M AN ASSHOLE."

"HELLO TIM….FUCK OFF….WE’RE ALL ASSHOLES! "

Those meetings could really become the next big reality show….because one thing I’ve learned when encountering an asshole….the people who aren’t involved in the incident, but are near by… love watching it. The only thing they love watching more is if an actual fist fight breaks out…..blood always attracts larger crowds then yelling…and a fist fight actually is like a beacon for attracting more assholes.

That’s part of the fringe asshole population…..you can’t really sue the fringe assholes because there isn’t enough paper in the world to fill out that many forms.

The remuneration chart could be constructed by the different situations in which one encounters an asshole.

The different categories could be broken down into:

RETAIL ENCOUNTERS
AUTOMOTIVE ENCOUNTERS
FAMILY ENCOUNTERS
FRIEND ENCOUNTERS
LAW ENFORCEMENT ENCOUNTERS
MILITARY ENCOUNTERS

GOVERNMENT SERVICES ENCOUNTERS

CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS
RELIGIOUS ENCOUNTERS
EDUCATION ENCOUNTERS
AND

GENERAL ENCOUNTERS….CAN’T GROUP THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE SIMPLY JUST ASSHOLES.

And within each one of these categories….there could be sub-categories…..where someone could simply get off with a warning….”if you don’t stop behaving like this I’m going to call my attorney and sue you for being an asshole."

Let’s dissect some of these categories and put remuneration values next to the infraction.

RETAIL

Why does it appear that retail clerks in department stores have literally joined an asshole union?.......and the more upscale the store, the more abundant they appear to be…and when you want to return a gift, without a receipt, it’s suddenly like an asshole convention.
I don’t want to advertise any of those stores but you all know if you have a return, for cash, at Neiman Marcus, the person you have to deal with…somehow acts like it’s their store….Take something back to Barney’s and they act like the cash is coming directly out of their pocket. Now if these type of stores have bonus incentives for anyone who is able to reduce a cash return to a merchandise credit…then the situation calls for a much higher level of asshole capitulation.

Official policies that encourage asshole behavior would fall into an entirely different category…and would have to be brought to a different level of the judicial system.

But imagine standing in front of a clerk who is simply demonstrating a obvious infraction and saying….”If you don’t stop this behavior, I’m going to call my attorney and sue you for being an asshole…..an my attorney is a real asshole.”

INFRACTION FOR BEING RETAIL CLERK ASSHOLE……$250.00

The time period involved would also determine the amount. If you get sent from one clerk to another clerk to another clerk…..then you are looking at collusion asshole behavior and a higher dollar amount could be involved.

If it takes longer than 6 weeks to receive a check from a merchandise return, then another penalty could be imposed….because you know.....there is someone in that accounting department, who’s just simply being….an asshole.

AUTOMOTIVE

There are quite a few divisions within this category…..but the first one to deal with must be centered around the common everyday driver…..it’s amazing how many times, during a day of driving, one encounters….an asshole.

The person who refuses to pull further into an intersection so that someone else might be able to make a left hand turn…..is a complete asshole.

INFRACTION FOR BEING A PREVENTOR OF MORE LEFT HAND TURNS….$250.00

The maximum fine for a driving infraction would be reserved for following type of
Incident.

Imagine driving on Highway 99 in The San Joaquin Valley….during an intense episode of the infamous Tule Fog……visibility is less than ten feet…..you are in the slow lane doing about 45 miles an hour…..you are already nervous because you’ve read about the chain reaction pile ups that happen during these fog episodes…..suddenly you hear this loud noise and an 18 wheeler goes flying past you doing about 70 miles an hour….that truck driver is a complete and utter asshole…..

INFRACTION FOR BEING THE DRIVER OF A HUGE BATTERING RAM…WHO MADE MULTIPLE PEOPLE PISS IN THEIR PANTS…..$2000.00….but good luck trying to catch that asshole…..

Because of the potential for disaster this fine would be the largest in our new judicial division…..

SHORT EXAMPLES OF DRIVING INFRACTIONS AND FINES

The motorcycle driver who decided that the freeway was a personal obstacle course….
$500.00

The bus driver who pulls away knowing someone is running towards them.
$250.00

The bus driver who just pulls into your lane without caring that you have to slam on your breaks or swerve into the other lane…..$250.00


FAMILY ENCOUNTERS

This is a very touchy category because every time you encounter an asshole in your family you can rest assured that you are actually considered a much bigger asshole.


Let’s just consider the major events that happen within a family situation.

A death takes place and division of assets becomes the immediate task.

EVERYBODY IN THE FAMILY BECOMES AN ASSHOLE.

So you get my point…..develop a new branch of the judicial system and help put a stop to the growing asshole population.


Michael Timothy McAlevey

P.s. the categories just go on and on and on and on and on……next I’ll share my Column on NUNS.....A UNIQUE BRAND OF ASSHOLES