Just remembering how things are

Yesterday I was walking to the market and saw a single white thistle in the middle of a lawn.  I'm pretty sure it is called a thistle.  Small white stalk with a ball of wispy white things on the top. I haven't seen one in quite a long time and since there was no breeze I decided to pick it and look at it and walk with it for awhile.  It seemed to me that I remember something about making a wish and then blowing the wispy white things off.  Of course I also thought that was kind of silly but I made my wish anyway and blew.

The cascading petals (for lack of a better word) went off in a soft billowy motion and gently floated to the ground.....very slowly floating down to earth.

It was quite lovely and the moment froze and then my thought was......"Sean was like a thistle."

I lost my 92 year old father three years ago and never once asked why. We celebrated his life and every time I see his plague on Tuesdays at the golf course, I always say...."Hi Dad."

It's very hard to celebrate the lost of a teenage child, an only son, and the older brother of your only daughter.

Today Sean Maximilian McAlevey would be 37 years old in his physical reality.  I have no idea how old he is in his non-physical reality.

I lost my 15 year old son 22 years ago and the why word has only surfaced about 10 million times.

WHY is a simple little three letter word that actually never gets answered when it comes to the lost of someone you love. But the truth is when you lose a relative who has lived a full life there is no reason to ask why. You celebrate their life.  You tell story after story and you go forward.

When you are a young child and you lose a parent  often times that parent is replaced by a new parental figure.  It doesn't always work out well but when it does, it works wonders on repairing the heart.

There's no replacing a teen age child.  If you are lucky enough to have another child, who is younger, than pretty soon there will be another teenager....but when this type of horrible experience enters your reality it hangs behind the consciousness................just waiting for another hammer to drop.

I've been asked numerous times over the years how I managed to get through such a devastating experience.  I always answer the same way....."not really sure I have gotten through it."  After all I'm an artist who doesn't seem to get the respect needed to sustain a normal lifestyle....and I just keep creating more while waiting for the crowd to form.  That's pretty insane if you think about it, so in reality I've haven't really gotten through anything.  I'm in the clutches of some odd awareness that keeps telling me to be positive...and stay creative....and stick to the path that has been shaped by the experiences endured since 1994.

I care so much more about how my daughter is doing than how I am doing and I'm not really sure that losing her older brother when she was 8 isn't harder on her.  The WHY word pops up when you are growing into adulthood and once more there are no answers.

This isn't one of those deals where you can say....it's been 20 years get over it!

I was a adult and had previously formulated ideas and theories about physical reality and non-physical reality and while I was able to share those with her it doesn't really make every thing ok.  Areas of  spiritual awareness and anything having to do with death and lost are areas that have to be built within oneself.

We can read what other people have gone through and what they think and what they believe, but if you don't work it out on your own.........it becomes a big dent in your subconscious.

It's not an easy thing to work out.

I don't expect people to make concessions for my daughter but she is a very sweet person and when friends of hers don't take everything that she has been through into consideration, before they act rude toward her, then I really feel something is wrong with the program. 

People can be so stupid sometimes that it just pisses the fuck out of me.

Not being able to celebrate Sean's 37 birthday with him pisses the fuck out of me.

There's nothing I can do about that, but there should be some things I can do to make sure my daughter associates herself with people who have hearts large enough to accept her and whatever she is going through.

If Sean was here I think he might be kicking some butts.......but then again if Sean was here today there won't be a giant
WHY
hanging over our heads.

Birthdays for non-physical reality beings can be fairly quiet.

I love you dude....wherever you are.

Dad.