The Blessed Haunting

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking that February 4th was the date that my son died 13 years ago. Sean was 15 years old and his presence and my memory of him continues to be a dominant force in my life. I was planning on blogging Sunday morning regarding the dubious anniversary and somehow was going to tie it in with the Super Bowl, because Sean was an athlete and because I thought I could write a nice touching piece....that would also put the game into a proper perspective.

Last night I received a call from one of his closest friends, Ryan, who asked if I would like to go out to dinner with he and Seamus and Courtney....Sean's other best friends....tomorrow night.....which would be tonight....the 3rd.

The second that Ryan extended the invitation my brain went into REALITY CHECK MY OIL AND WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING....mode.

I accepted the invite and then got off the phone and literally had ten minutes of completely wondering if I had started to slip into the first stages of Alzheimer's.

How could I possibly think the date was the 4th? Every year I write something about the day and on the 10th anniversary I actually wrote a letter from HIM and gave it to certain people who I knew would understand....I think I freaked a few people out in the family but that wouldn't be the first time.

But thinking it happened on the 4th? It just doesn't make any sense. Please note that not only was his dimension transfer conducted on the 3rd but his funeral service was held on my birthday...the 11th. The nine day period from February 3rd to February 11th 1994 is unquestionably one of the strangest nine days of my life.

Last night as I contemplated the mental weirdness of thinking it was the 4th...I begin to wonder what would possibly create the mistake....and how after all these years I could suddenly push the day ahead by one day.

After receiving a phone call from another friend I realized that I'm probably trying to push the day to some other reality....perhaps a reality that doesn't acknowledge tragedy or pain.

The question my friend Steve asked was.....what day did your mother die in 1980? My answer of course was...."I don't remember." To which he replied...."I think February 3rd is a date you don't ever want to remember....so you've started shifting it and moving it and maybe someday you won't even remember the month."

THE REALITY CHECK

I will never forget what month because it's my birthday month and one's birthday month is always regarded with a special fondness. Not only did Sean's leaving affect the month, but my birthday is now the anniversary day of his funeral service....and on top of all that....his service was held at St. Timothy's.

A BIGGER REALITY CHECK

When one suffers the loss of a child the irony and reality will forever haunt you....no matter what day or month it happened....

And HAUNTING is the perfect verbal description when remembering February 3rd 1994....

and

the

absolute

opposite description

when remembering every other thing about

Sean Maximilian McAlevey

In my reality....the opposite of HAUNTING would be.....

BLESSED

and when I contemplate the reality of his 15 years on this planet....I can do nothing but feel

BLESSED

and when I contemplate the reality of February 3rd 1994...I can do nothing except feel

HAUNTED

and when one feels haunted it's probably fairly easy to juxtapose numbers, dates, colors, smells, taste and the very texture of one's life force.

For eleven months of every year I feel blessed with the memory of who Sean was and of all the great moments he brought to my life. I have memories from his entire 15 years that feel like they happened yesterday and I can visit different compartments in my brain that literally allow me to see and feel any day within that 15 year period. I still have in my life, his best friends, and that is a treasure that I will forever cherish.

But for one month every year the HAUNTING appears. I am quite sure that the haunting appears because I have certain inabilities in dealing with non-physical reality.

MY BAD

BUT IT'S THE WAY I ROLL

and I promise that on this day February 3rd 2007 I will make a huge attempt to forget the haunting and contemplate the blessing.

Tonight I will have dinner with three of Sean's best friends....

and we will toast a life of meaning and love....and a life that will continue to touch us every single day for the rest of our lives.

I will make a special toast to announce that I understand the Haunting and that it just doesn't measure up to the

Blessing

no matter how hard it tries.....

and yes friends....it really

really

really

tries........

Michael Timothy McAlevey