Swing Thoughts

1-10-07

And the whooping continues....

As I've previously reported... my father, who is 87, and I occassionally play golf. He has a regular group of friends that he plays with and every so often I'm able to create one of the biggest nightmares on a golf course....a Fivesome.

It's really a nightmare if you are a twosome following a fivesome....in fact, if unable to play through...a twosome can actually be seen leaving the course. Imagine two men playing behind five women....slow women....bad playing women...bad playing women who smoke on every hole....five bad playing women who smoke while wearing very bright colors....with shoes and hats that match....and they are drinking beers and one last thing....they are walking...and they are walking very very very slow.

Those two guys following that fivesome might be found the next day in a newspaper article which covered the horrible road rage incident which happened near a golf course.

Last week my father shot a 78...but I wasn't there, so I really didn't believe him...which is just one of the aspects of the golf and fishing program. Realistically I figured he took two or three mulligans...picked up four or five three foot putts and truthfully shot a 85.

An 87 year old man shooting an 85 is a good round....shooting a 78 starts making the story seem Sci-Fi.

I'm here to announce that Sci-Fi is alive and well. Yesterday he missed a six foot putt on the 18th hole which would have given him back to back weeks of 78...instead he had to settle for an 79.

He only beat me by 16 strokes.

I shot a 53 on the front nine and he shot a 40.....I improved by 11 shots on the back nine and he shot a 39. Those are the facts and figures and they are offically recorded on a scorecard that will get filed in the famous filing compartment known as....a golf bag.

There are so many compartments in a golf bag that one could probably hold a mini garage sale just from the stuff stuffed into those compartments. I realize there are organized players who make sure everything is neat and tiddy inside their golf bags...but most of us see those zippers and think pockets and things go in pockets and the only real problem arises when one forgets that some form of food was placed in one of those pockets and....egh!

Chocolate is a bad thing to forget in one of your golf compartments...but no where near as bad as half of an egg salad sandwich.

The idea of getting trounched by my father on the golf course is a beautiful double edged conundrum because I regard myself as a better golfer than my father. Of course when one loses by 16 strokes it's a tad bit hard to justify that reasoning.

The other side of the edge is based on the fact that the dude is 87 and God bless him!

He actually seems to be getting better. He is hitting the ball further than he was five years ago and if he keeps this up he'll be a scratch golfer by the time he turns 100.

But it's very important that something is understood as this point...

I don't like losing to him...I don't mind losing to him...I just don't like it...especially by 16 strokes.

When I'm playing bad he likes to say things like....

" why don't you hit it in the fairway?"

" you know your stance is a little wide."

" how about using irons off the tee."

" are you practicing shots from the trees...on purpose?"

When an 87 year old becomes a smart ass...it's really hard to answer back...unless you are also in your 80's...and his friends aren't quite as old as he is, so they treat him kindly....most of the time. His best friend knows when and how to respond but he is an extremely gentle man with impeccable manners and he generally doesn't stoop to smart ass tactics.

My father has never been accused of being a gentle man...but he does have the proverbial heart of gold...and his manners are quite good....except for the fact that he likes to tee up first no matter who got what... on the previous hole.

Just that one small lack of golf etiquette should result in me whooping his ass...at least once in awhile.

I know that if and when I do beat him, I'll just feel bad and it will be a bitter sweet victory...and he'll start talking about his arthritis and I'll feel guilty.

But I'd like to be faced with that feeling...soon. Imagine me not beating him until he's in his 90's. I already sound like a whinner but imagine how pathetic I'd sound if he was 95 and I finally whopped his ass.

I'll tell you one thing....if I do whip him...it won't be by 16 strokes....

His universe will never experience the feeling of having lost a golf match to his son by 16 strokes. He would have no idea how to deal with such an event.

I calmly deal with the experience by letting you know that 87 is yesterdays 57 and getting older might have aches and pains,but getting older can really mean...getting better.

And I paid him the ultimate compliment as we walked through the clubhouse....I brought up the word Tournament....for his age bracket. I'm sure he's thinking about it as he relaxes today after two weeks in a row of breaking 80.

He plays every Tuesday and next week I'm going to play a round with my Swing Thoughts intact, and I'm going to use my irons off the tee... and I'm going to beat him...

Of course there's a strong possibility that I won't beat him and life goes on and on and on and on and on....

Thank God for small favors...and good Swing Thoughts....and of course....old smart asses.

Michael Timothy McAlevey