Blindfolded Mr. Ed

Front page LA TIMES headline;

Religious cult targeted in fierce battle near Najaf

DUH!

Apparently a cult named Heaven’s Army, led by Dhyaa Abdul-Zahra, was either attacked or thwarted by Iraq and U.S troops as it prepared to bring about the apocalypse, and the now legendary moment…. “the end of time.”

THE END OF TIME….THE END GAME…..THE FINAL BATTLE….

Today Dhyaa Abdul-Zahra is standing before “The Greeter” and being asked the question that all new religious fanatic arrivals are asked, when they arrive at the gates of heaven…..”What the f..k were you thinking?” Today Dhyaa Abdul-Zahra is defending his position by saying….” George Bush believes in the end game.” The Greeter will look at him and simply say….”I’ll be asking him the same question…..but not today.”

A religious cult has been causing the problems in Iraq….and all along I just thought it was a battle over who controlled the oil. I admit to being rather foolish when it comes to observations of this nature. Our leaders have always projected the idea that they know things we don’t know, and therefore we should just trust them.

“What the f..k are we thinking?”

It’s like thinking you can win the lottery if you are an Anglo American. The lottery seems to be reserved for Hispanics and Asians.

CHESTERFIELD, Mo. - A World War II veteran and his family stepped forward Monday to claim a Powerball jackpot worth more than a quarter-billion dollars, one of the largest single-ticket lottery prizes in U.S. history.

An Anglo-American family announced today that they were giving all of their winnings to the Heaven’s Army cult in Najaf. They claim they are followers of Dhyaa Abdul-Zahra and to honor his passing they want his followers to be able to continue his work. The money will be spent on trying to find a new messiah. It could take years to locate a new leader and people are being encouraged to submit their applications. All applications can be done on line at;

http://www.weneedanewidiot.com/

The Powerball Lottery announced ten minutes later that no Anglo-American will be allowed to play the lottery…ever again.


Cults in Iraq……what’s next? Maybe we should cut back on the plans to build that Baghdad Disneyland until we make sure there are no more fanatic religious zealots in the region. We should be able to clear up that matter in…let’s say….a million freakin years!

What the f..k are we thinking? What the f..k is anybody thinking?”

It’s very interesting that I hesitate to spell the work f..k….after all it’s not like this is some national publication that will be read by millions of religious conservatives. I think back to the trouble Lenny Bruce created when he used the word on stage. Was that a 100 years ago? All that effort to make people loosen up regarding words and I’m still having issues over writing the word…f..k.


HALLANDALE BEACH, Fla. - A Florida race track is honoring Barbaro by establishing a scholarship in his name.

The principles at Gulfstream Park announced that any horse alive can apply for the scholarship. They simply need to be able to duplicate Mr. Ed’s talent in order to receive the money. It’s been a very long process of trying to find another talking horse but the people at Gulfstream Park think that this scholarship will help. If no horses apply for the scholarship, the funds will be used to aid in the search for a new messiah to lead the Heaven’s Army cult in Iraq.

The owners of Barbaro have insisted that the rumors he would be used for finger snacks at the Dubai Race Course…are completely false….and they wanted to reassure everyone that Barbaro did not have Mr. Ed’s ability. The $25 million dollar insurance policy will be paid shortly to the family…who insisted that they really wanted to keep him alive, crippled and in pain. I wonder if they called in Dr. Kevorkian to help in the process….he’s out of prison, isn’t he? The surviving family members of Barbaro also made it perfectly clear, “ that no money would be spent to find a new messiah for the Heaven’s Army, and that they couldn’t give a rat’s ass….unless of course the rat could win the Kentucky Derby.”

The story in the LA TIMES about the cult was accompanied by a photograph that showed followers sitting on the ground, surrounded by American and Iraqi forces. They are sitting on the ground without physical restrains on their arms or legs. The one method of restraint that appears to be present is the legendary restraint known as……the blindfold.

I’ve always wondered about the blindfold when it comes to capturing Muslims. It seems to be the one thing that keeps them quiet. What I never realized was that the blindfold prevented them from running or hitting. I imagine the Rand Corporation has probably done a study on this but the media has truly failed to explain the process of the blindfold.

Do Muslims have visionary powers that we aren’t allowed to know about? Do they have some type of interconnecting vision heat generating talent….that doesn’t work through cloth? I will say one thing about their clothing. They do have a nice color sense even if they actually have no common sense. I hope we don’t see the blindfold style pop up in the new Gap ads. I know Armani would never sink that low, but Gap’s been having some problems and this could bring them back.

“THE GAP BLINDFOLD…hundreds of different colors designed from the banks of the Tigris and Euphrates River famous cult know as the Heaven’s Army.”

Contrary to earlier reports……

Soldiers of Christ and the Heaven’s Army are proud to announce that further attempts to help bring about the end of the world should be directed towards a family in Chesterfield, Missouri. They are fairly certain that the end is not imminent and in fact they claim that today is the beginning of a wonderful new world….a world created from a small tiny slip of paper containing six magic numbers. Talk about nanotechnology……yeah baby! No blindfolds needed in that family.

But honestly and seriously speaking for a moment……does anyone know about THE BLINDFOLD situation when capturing Muslims…..and is it just when capturing Muslims?

You’ll have to excuse me for a minute I think I’m getting an e-mail from a horse in Montana….

Michael Timothy McAlevey